Here, in the United States of America, we just had the quadrennial shouting match we call our presidential elections. We are a very divided country. We have been divided since our founding according to how much government we want and where the locus of power should reside, federal, state, or local. Now we are also divided by the character of our neighborhood, rural or urban, by education and whether we work primarily with skilled hands or knowledge and keyboards. We are also divided by race, religion, gender, and how recently our ancestors immigrated to these shores. (This is not a complete list. ☹)

Despite these multi-vectored bifurcations, our republic is primarily a two party system. Sure there might be four or five parties on a ballot, but they never garner enough votes to be anything other than a spoiler in a close election. This was a close election, not as close as 2000 or even 2016, but close, and there may be some whining about spoilers, but mostly the election is over.

The emotions of one party can be described with “E’ words: endorsed, elated, enthusiastic, ebullient. Emotions on the other side could be described with ‘D’ words: disappointed, dismayed, distraught, depressed.

On Wednesday morning, roughly six hours after the race was called, a Life Coach LinkedIn connection from Texas, posted “Are you ready for change?”

He went on to describe “D’ word reactions as fear of, and resistance to, change. And gave advice to the losing side not to “spend all your time fighting it. . .[but]. . .accept it and move forward.” I’m abbreviating substantially.

In fairness, during the last two elections each side has spent four years fighting the elected party and I’m sure this person’s intentions were good, but the timing and the “get over it” message struck me as a bit smug,

I responded with a lecture of my own (again abbreviating substantially):

“People don’t fear change; they fear loss, loss of self-definition, and things they believe in. Mostly they fear loss of autonomy or choice for changes they feel are done to them. So they don’t resist change; they resist your change.”

He responded with a quote from his book, advising me to “cross the fear zone.”

At this point I disengaged, but four days later, I recalled a diagram from much earlier in my career, which I used to “help” people through change.

The ‘u’ depicted is “The Emotional Cycle of Change from Gemini Consulting, which is based upon Elizabeth Kübler Ross’s 5 Stages of Grief Model. The matrix is the orientation shift (moving from past to future and personal to corporate).

As a youngish organization development consultant I thought, “if asked,” I could help people move from denial to commitment, making the shift from past to future and personal to company.

I recognize now how naïve that was, but at least I recognized that someone would have to ask for my help. As American psychologist Carl Rogers said in “The Helping Relationship,” “help is defined by the recipient, . . .  help that is not asked for is rarely perceived as help, . . but rather as interference.”

Elizabeth Kübler Ross’s 5 Stages of Grief are:

• Shock, including disbelief and denial
• Anger, directed at the deceased, self, or lashing out at anyone
• Bargaining, with God, the medical community, family, “if I do this will you save him (me)
• Depression, “nothing will ever be the same again, I can’t go on”
• Acceptance, “It’s over; life goes on.”

Since I created my diagram, I have lost both parents, one sister, one nephew, and a close friend and business partner. I have grieved myself and been around many others who are grieving.

I have worked with people in companies in “hostile takeovers,” and other acquisitions. I have coached business owners whose business failed. I have reorganized companies, seeing people who’ve devoted their lives to one business unit or function, transferred, radically altering their business “identity.” I observed many people go through the “Emotional Cycle of Change.

It doesn’t matter which curve you are on; whether you are grieving loss of a loved one or emotionally processing change, these things are true:

• It is an individual journey. You are processing your emotion, you must do it yourself.
• It isn’t a straight line or a one-way journey. You bounce back and forth between phases.
• You can get stuck in one phase –“De Nile [denial] is not just a river in Egypt,” Is funny for a reason. And perhaps you know someone stuck in anger, – Louis Black’s comedy and his role in Inside Out – are parodies of that.
• You can’t just – skip to the end. Some individuals might spend less time in one phase or another, but all those emotions are there.

There was a time when I made fun of organizational development consultants who conducted funerals for the old ways, carrying certain values forward into the new. I still think it’s a little woo-woo, but I understand the usefulness.

I saw the remnants of denial left by not saying goodbye to the old. British European Airways (BEA) and British Overseas Airways Corporation (BOAC) still each had different British Airways logos eight years after they became BA. Some field workers at BP still wore their Arco and Amoco coveralls ten years after the acquisitions. Cries of “foreign interference” in the 2016 election and “Stop the Steal” in the 2020 election made working together impossible.

Giving my LinkedIn connection the benefit of the doubt, perhaps he just wanted people to work together. Judging from the comments below, several ‘E’-word people found his post helpful.

To be helpful to those grieving or having difficulty with change, a leader might:

1. Wait to be asked
2. Start by just listening
3. Summarize what you have heard.
4. Assess where someone is on the grief or emotional cycle.
   • Someone in Shock or denial mostly needs someone to listen.
   • Someone in Anger may need to vent, but be reminded not to seem threatening to self or others.
   • Someone ‘bargaining,” or feeling guilty, might be reminded what that sounds like, and asked if they really think it will help.
   • A seriously depressed person might be directed to professional help.
   • Someone moving towards acceptance, might be encouraged to experiment or to act on things they are committed to in the new order.
5. Prepare for, and try not to judge, “backsliding,” and “revisiting.”
6. Avoid saying things like “Get over it,” “Move on,” “let’s look at the bright side. At least you have _____” or “Relax and enjoy it.”

Might these ideas be helpful connecting with the other side in a political divide? Maybe. (See numbers 1and 2). It is probably most important to recognize grief, and give people space to process their emotions.