To tell you the truth, I’m exhausted.

I mean, I did manage to hold my pee till first light, and that seemed to make my man happy, but it wasn’t easy. I mean, I am so thirsty all the time and I drank a whole bowl since bedtime.

But wait, I’m forgetting my manners.

Hello, my name is Pip. I’m a twelve year old Black English Labrador Retriever (see my perfect bicycle seat head). And yes, I said black. You can politely ignore all that gray. I am twelve and I live with two humans whose age totals over 150, so I earned every ounce of silver I wear.

My man, who calls himself, Alan, and my lady, who calls herself, Billie (I know it’s a man’s name, but her father was William and you get used to it), anyway they named me Pip, because my mom’s human said I was “a pip.” They thought it was soooo cute, they made it my name. It’s OK I guess. I mean, I answer to it, but I have to be puppy-stubborn to live up to it and that gets old.

We live on Eagle Ridge. There’s a field one street over. Humans get excited about the buildings you can see from it. “New York City! I love the field too, but for more important reasons, the swirl of smells and my all-time favorite snack- Deer Poop! Mmm-mmm.

Things have been crazy on the Ridge of late

Some guys came and moved all the furniture on the second floor to the garage.

Then some other guys tore up my soft rug and pounded like crazy so now there is wood where the rug was.

My humans got a smaller rug, and they put another rug where I used to sleep, but it has a busy pattern so I don’t sleep there. I don’t sleep in my bed anymore either; it smells like soap now. To tell you the truth I never liked it; I just l slept in it when I was freaked because it reminded me of the one I had when I first came to live with them. So I sleep on the wood, which makes it hard to get up because my back legs don’t work like they used to – I mean, they work when I’m standing and walking, but it’s hard to get a grip on those slippy floors and stairs.

Stairs! The second floor is up fifteen stairs. All right – it’s seven and seven with a rest area, but the new stairs rug is only in the middle so I can’t brace myself against the wall anymore.

After they wooded the floors and stairs, my humans went away. That’s usually nice for me because I get to stay with David and Bhakti who once took me on hikes before I got too slow. Who wants to keep up with pups who don’t take time to smell anything. I stayed with a new human family. They had a pool and were surprised when I didn’t swim. The humans were nice and the other dogs were cool, but my humans came home sick.

“Covid,” They said into the black boxes they’re always staring at. So they didn’t go away again, but I did. This time to David and Bhakti.

My humans got better. I guess they weren’t that sick.

Then there was the week-long dogfight between the furnace guy who swore there wasn’t enough gas to run the furnace and the utility guy who said there was plenty of gas. In the end the driveway and the yard were dug up and the big gray pipes-‘n’-stuff is outside of garage, which the gas guy said the state required, but they don’t. The only thing all humans, (mine, the neighbors, the home owners association) agree on is that it is “ugly” and anything done to mask it or move it, my humans have to pay for.

The pipes-‘n’-stuff doesn’t smell much now, but it’s a big tall thing that’ll attract male dog pee-mail- Bonus!

Then my humans sad-talked about Billie’s sister, who fell and is having a hard time. Billie’s brother came down. His wife’s had the can-sick  (more human sad-face talk).  She’s getting better, but he’s still worried.

Anyway, they were going to leave me alone again to visit their sister, but I was drinking all this water and had to pee every two hours, so my man stayed home with me. He counted the times he filled my bowl. “128 ounces!” He exclaimed when they returned.

So we went to the vet lady, with some of my pee in a bottle and they stuck me with a needle again. I hate that.

That night I had more trouble on the stairs and got up four times to pee.

Such an ordeal! – bark-to-wake-humans–put-on-my-harness-go-downstairs-drink-a-lot-of water-go-outside-to-pee-come-in-drink-a-lot-of-water and go back upstairs – four times. I heard my man say into the black thing “We get up at night to pee too, but she isn’t choosing the same times.”

We all went to the vet lady again. All the humans had frowny-faces, except when they talked to me and put on that voice that they think dogs and babies want to hear. I don’t mean to seem ungrateful, but I know I’m a “pretty girl” and I don’t need to be told so in a squeaky voice.

“Die-Beet-Ez” I don’t know what it is, but my humans learned how to use needles, not the big kind – I barely feel them.

The stair trips are scary for them so they are taking turns sleeping downstairs. It was my man’s turn last night and he slept on the floor. “Couch is too soft for my back and I don’t really fit in it.”

As I said, I really worked to hold my pee until first light. I’m going to sleep around today.                                                                                

I wish they wouldn’t worry so much. Sure they’ve cut back my treats, changed my dinner time, and he joined me on the floor, but that’s why I trained them. They’ll adapt.

That’s what humans do – worry. They watch the picture box in the den every night, look sad and worry. I can’t watch that stuff – I bark to go out on the deck till they watch something that makes them laugh.

This morning though, they just looked at each other, shrugged their shoulders, shook their heads and laughed. Then my man started to sing and my lady joined in.

“We ain’t got a barrel of money. We may look ragged and funny, but we’re travelin’ along, singing a song. Side by side.”

I love it when they do that.

The roots of a love affair

When I was a pre-teen, I read a book about Doug, an American teenager immersed in hot rod culture. The story was about Doug finding himself, but was full of descriptions of bored-out V8s and chopped and channeled old Fords, accompanied in my memory by Chuck Berry songs,

“. . . Cadillac a-rollin’ on the open road; Nothin’ outrun my V8 Ford . . . Maybeline why can’t you be true? You done started back doin’ the things you used to do.”

In a barn, Doug discovered a pristine 1948 MG TC, a British Racing Green roadster with wire wheels and saddle brown leather seats. The TC had a four cylinder engine, one third the horsepower of his friends cars and couldn’t compete on a straight away, but would lose any car on curvy roads.

Doug soon tired of drag racing preferring to go “motoring” with his new girl Deb, top down to sunshine and wind in their hair.

This began my unrequited love affair with old British sports cars. I’ve lusted after Jaguar XK-120s, MG As and Bs, Triumphs for much of my life. I drove my cousin’s Austin Healey 3000 on farm roads when I was thirteen and a friend’s Healey Sprite Midget when I was sixteen.

I have never owned any of these cars, but I’ve imagined the motoring joy of them. When I went to business school in England, I discovered the Morgan Car Company, which has been building cars like these continuously since the 1930s. The car in the bottom right of the picture above is a 1957 model, but they build a car that looks exactly like that today.

Reportedly the stiff suspension and ash wood body frame makes a Morgan an uncomfortable ride, but the light-weight aluminum body makes even the four cylinder quite quick.

People want fast cars and so Morgan obliged. They introduced the Plus 8 in 1968 with 4.5 liter Rover V8, and neck-snapping acceleration. Mick Jagger owned one. In 2000 Morgan produced the Aero 8 pictured in the upper left. The Aero even looks fast, but it leaves me cold. I think it might create the g-force face bending of astronaut centrifuge training, not exactly a “happy motoring” experience.

Most guys want the “fast” driving experience. I fantasize about the “slow” experience.

Let’s be clear. I drive ten miles-per-hour over the speed limit on interstates and use Ez-Pass for tolls like everyone else.  I don’t want to return to before President Dwight D. Eisenhower built GM president Will Durant’s plan for a “network of highways stretching from sea to sea.” I do fondly remember country road drives reading Burma Shave signs.

Is faster better?

What prompted this fast-slow rumination?

My LinkedIn and BizCatalyst 360 connection Charlotte Wittenkamp shared an essay by Rory Sutherland, entitled “Are We Too Impatient to Be Intelligent?” Mr. Sutherland is the former creative director of U.K. Ogilvy & Mather, an advertising agency part of the WPP marketing conglomerate.

Mr. Sutherland now runs Ogilvy Consulting, which applies human behavioral science to business problems. His essay humorously makes the point that the default criterion for innovation has become speed, even though that might not be what the customer wants.

Fast train schedules, bullet trains, even faster non-stop flights, instant email, Amazon same day delivery, quicken our lives unnecessarily – Don’t order a Guiness, it takes forever to pour. “Some things are worth waiting for,” he quotes the Ogilvy Guiness ad to drive home his point,.

This got me thinking. Is this a conspiracy? Or is this the way humans are wired?

In his book Thinking Fast and Thinking Slow, Daniel Kahneman posits that human brains have two systems of processing thoughts.

• System 1 is autopilot, subconscious thought used 90% of the time. It makes decisions and takes actions we have done before. It recognizes patterns and gambles on the frequency those patterns have been seen before. It is incredibly fast, like an algorithm.
• System 2 is focused, conscious thought. It is very powerful, but slow. It can only do one thing at a time.

When people say they’re good at multitasking, their skill is switch-tasking, moving rapidly between System 1 & 2, and, yes, some people are better at that, but most of us just think we are good at it.

Automobile, air traffic control accidents, chemical or oil spills and explosions are frequently caused by someone whose brain was in System 1 when it should have been in System 2. Someone was thinking fast when they should have been thinking slow.

Artificial Intelligence (AI) will save us time

Sutherland says that we don’t always actually want efficiency. He suggests that AI, which is being built on the speed and efficiency model might be trained to slow down, give us a series of suggestions for a trip to Greece over a two month period allowing for contemplation, discussion.

Google, Amazon Ads, LinkedIn, and my writing software is constantly popping up a dialogue box, “Would you like to use AI to write this?” Mentally I answer. “NO DAMMIT! I’M TRYING TO BECOME A WRITER.” (This is sometimes my out loud voice, according to my wife.)

Speed and efficiency rarely help learn a skill. It’s why when I’m woodcarving, I don’t use power tools. I want to keep the digits I have.

In my late thirties I decided to run a marathon. I had been running twenty-five seven-minute miles a week for about ten years, but never more than five miles at one time. I just started doubling my long runs at the same pace. I hurt myself.

A fellow runner said “Alan, remember LSD!”

“I  don’t do that anymore and I am NOT going to start again.”

“No man. Long Slow Distance. Reduce your speed to run longer. A nine minute mile pace for your first marathon is quite respectable.”

Since the Industrial Revolution humans have focused on the relationship between speed and cost. Faster is better, because the more quantity you can produce for the same overheads, the cheaper each unit is.

New technology performs one function more rapidly. GPS gets you from point A to point B faster than maps, but it doesn’t show you what else you might see along the way. Remember AAA Triptiks, that told you attractions at every exit you pass? AAA still makes Triptiks, but very few members order them.

There is an inverse relationship between quality and speed. A designer once told me, “Good, fast and cheap. Pick any two. If it’s fast and cheap, it won’t be good. If it’s good and cheap it won’t be fast. If it’s good and fast, it won’t be cheap.”

Some activities benefit from going slow: eating, customer service, international diplomacy, research, sex, weight loss, learning, and any art or craft. With thinking and editing time, this little post took longer than I’d like, but I am still learning to write.

Gustav Stickley, the Arts & Crafts designer, embossed on the copper fireplace hood at his home in Morris Plains, NJ:

“The Lyf so short, the craft so long to lerne.”

Slow down. Feel the sun on your face and the wind in your hair. Happy motoring.