I’m Sorry

“I’m sorry. So Sorry.

Please accept my apology.

I know I was wrong,

But I was too blind to see.”

(1960 #1 hit by fifteen-year-old Brenda Lee, written by Dub Albrittin and Ronnie Self.)

“I am a terrible person!”

The clocks changed last night and I awoke at 3:00 a.m. (old time), thinking about all the horrible things I have done in my life. At ten, I stole my sister’s boyfriend’s ring given to “go steady.” It caused great anxiety and I ultimately “found” it under a bed. I stole my Rolodex when I changed jobs at twenty-seven. I never called any of the numbers and finally threw it out forty years later. I stole my sister’s opening line at my mother’s funeral, “If my mother were here, she’d apologize for the rain.” I’ve apologized to my sister, and apparently she has forgiven me, but I still feel rotten.

All these thefts were for self-aggrandizement, to make myself feel special, more powerful, or to attract attention. I was my parents’ youngest child and the only boy, and my sisters have told me how the attention I got made them feel decidedly un-special. I have spent my life working to overcome a need for attention and an adverse reaction to authority figures, i.e., people who stop me from getting my way.

I sometimes talk too much and don’t listen enough. I think I like writing because I’m the only one in the conversation.

I am working on this and I have been for much of my life. When I mess up, and I realize it, I apologize. Some say that like my mother, I apologize too much, though I don’t often say I’m sorry for the weather.

Real leaders admit their mistakes

These days I’m not leading anything or anyone, but a lifetime of observing business leaders, doesn’t just turn off. So I observe what CEOs  and politicians say on the news:

“The rocket had a sudden unscheduled disassembly.”

“Did I say that? I never said that.”

I know there is a school of leadership that says, “Deny, deny, deny, backtrack, reclarify,  but never apologize.” I just don’t think it is very effective leadership. How will you improve if you deny your transgressions?

Admitting when you are wrong makes you human; it builds trust.

A client and I went nose to nose yelling at each other in a meeting. The next morning I apologized and offered my resignation from the project. Vince said, “Alan, you don’t get to take all the blame for our fight. I was there too, and I’m not resigning.” We each apologized publicly at the next meeting and worked together for another couple of years.

I worked for two clients at the same company who both had volcanic tempers. One regularly pulled people back together and apologized. He also employed a coach, a cognitive psychologist who helped him replace his temper triggers with a “pause and a breath”. He got a lot better in the year that I knew him and I heard he was promoted to senior management about three years later.

The other leader “explained to people why he lost his temper,” so they could correct their behavior. I’ve written about Will before. He was really smart, highly verbal, and got good results. Everyone said he’d be CEO. Instead, three years after we worked together, he was fired “for cause,” which phrase cost him a substantial amount of money from his contract “golden handshake.”

Learning to apologize is a career building skill for leaders. Doing it well takes some practice.

Bad Apologies:

  • Take too long coming: As close to the event as possible is best. And apologies lose their value in direct proportion to the number of people telling you to apologize or punishing you for your behavior. Will Smith taking six months to apologize for slapping Chris Rock on the stage at the 2022 Oscars substantially reduced apology effectiveness.
  • Blame the victim: “I’m sorry you reacted negatively to what I said.”
  • Justify your behavior: “I’m sorry, but. . . what you said. . . you don’t understand. . . What did you expect. . .”
  • Apologize in private for public sins. Humiliating someone in front of the whole office and then saying “Yeah. Sorry ‘bout that,” when standing at the rest room sink might not be well received.
  • Go overboard: Saying “I’m a terrible person” is a bit too much for a ten-year-old’s transgressions, even if they’re part of a worrying pattern.

Good apologies:

  • Mean it: The reflexive “Sorry” as the person knocks you over to board the bus ahead of you isn’t believed. You have to feel and show remorse and concern.
  • Admit what you did or said that was wrong: “I know I said we were out of inventory, but it turns out we are storing that in the clean room and I overlooked the email that explained that.”
  • Actually say “I’m sorry” or I apologize: Not “my bad” or “Whoopsy”
  • Take action to correct the problem: “I’m sorry. Let me reimburse you.” Or “I’m sorry, let’s get you to the hospital,” will be better received than “Oops, my fault.”
  • Ensure it won’t happen again: Sometimes saying “I’ll work on that,” is enough. Sometimes you have to back up your promise with the system or process to prevent recurrence. Multiple apologies for the same repeated offense are rarely believed.

Maybe I’m not a terrible person, just an imperfect human. If I ever talked over you in a meeting, or insensitively failed to listen to you or respect your opinion, “I’m sorry, so sorry. Please accept my apology,” (with apologies to Brenda Lee, Dub Albritten and Ronnie Self for expropriating the words of their song).

Oh, and leaders, while you’re learning to apologize, learn to give credit where credit is due. “We” is always better than “I,” except when you apologize.

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A Friday Some Years Ago:

9:00. Phone rings.

“Hello? Oh, Hi Ken…”

12:00 noon. Phone rings.

“Hi Ken, what’s up?”

4:45 p.m. Phone rings.

“Hi Ken… Say Ken, Are you checking on me?”

“Well, actually, yeah. When I work from home I only get about two hours of work done all day. What with the kids and the dog, trying to work from the kitchen counter, and the TV, and computer games. It’s very distracting. We pay you quite a lot and I was just trying to see if you are actually working.”

“OK, Ken, I get it. But I’m in my office on the second floor of my house. It has a desk, phone, files and computer. There’s no TV. I have no games on my computer. My kids are grown and don’t live with me. The dog is old and goes out before work and after. Besides Ken, I only charge you when I’m actually working. We can review the training I wrote today if you’d like.”

“Well, I’m headed home; can you email it?”

“Sure.”

My client was new to the job and he had inherited a consulting team. To him it was easy to see us working when we were on site, but given his personal experience working from home, he couldn’t imagine us working productively on Friday, when we weren’t on site.

In fact, for certain kinds of head-down individual work, I got a great deal more done on Fridays than I did during the week, when I had to attend meetings with clients and build commitment to change. However, I understood that many managers in offices shared Ken’s experience and the concerns that arose from it.

Then Came Covid

Durin the coronavirus pandemic, workers in factories, healthcare, first responders, retail, and food service risked their lives and office workers learned to be productive “working from home.” Office productivity didn’t suffer as expected and office workers liked the flexibility, the lack of wasted commuting time, and not wearing pants on Zoom calls.

I retired in 2018, so this really didn’t affect me directly. I heard about it from my kids. One time consulting colleagues called to ask how I worked as an independent consultant. People asked about my home office and what the IRS required to deduct the set-up of a home office, (dedicated space, documented use, and expense receipts). I started to see jobs advertised as “remote,” or “hybrid.”

Some people figured out they could work from anywhere and you saw magazine articles of people working from the deck of their beach house. I was always jealous of that because I didn’t have a beach house.

Some people complained about the isolation of Covid-time. As the pandemic died down, some people reminisced about standing on balconies of city apartments banging pots in support of first responders and healthcare workers. Covid was something that affected us all, a unifier after a time of division.

Then Covid was (finally) over

Well, not really over. Covid is still around. We’re just done with it, over it; Covid is so four years ago. For the last four years, there has been a discussion building.

“OK everybody, it’s time to return to work.”

That one pissed off all those workers in factories, healthcare, first responders, retail, and food service who risked their lives.

“We never stopped working.”

So R-T-W became R-T-O, “return to office.”

Some were enthusiastic; some were less so. Sure, there would be less isolation, but more colds and flu (and Covid whispered the risk averse). And then there is wasted commute time. And then there is the flexibility of working when I want. And then there is the fact that I don’t have to stay late because Mary bent my ear about her mom, and Ted just had to relive the highlights of the big game, etc.

“OK, well, what about two days per week?”

“Maybe.”

“Three?”

“I don’t know.”

It’s been a long four years.

This conversation has been slowly accelerating. I must admit that, Boomer dinosaur that I am, I wasn’t particularly won over by the Gen X, Y, Z, Alpha whines about commuting costs and cleaning bills for the pants they would now have to wear. I also thought that some workers were being clearly unreasonable in their demands.

My nephew runs a retail food business and told me about job applicants who asked if they could “do the retail floor job remotely.” Some jobs require face time.

Culture is built by being together. Teams function best if they actually know each other. I began to hypothesize that introverts would want to work at home but extraverts would want to return to the office. It turns out there is no evidence of that.

I have had more and more conversations recently with office workers, people I respect for their intelligence and projected competence, who say, “If they insist on 5-days-in-office, I will leave.” Or “OK, I’ll come in for 9:00 and leave at 5:00, but there is no working till 7:00 and no calls on nights and weekends.”

There have been some famous CEOs who have gone public “R-T-O or else!” At a recent cookout, huddling under a canopy during an inconvenient downpour, I was engaged in conversation with the manager of administration for the board of directors at a money center bank.

“My CEO is friends with another CEO who has drawn a very public line in the sand, but my colleagues, my boss and three quarters of my staff will walk if he enforces the RTO mandate. Most of the board are off site and 90% of my work is email and phone. I have to be here for board meetings and two or three days a week is reasonable. Five is a hard “No!”

I began to think that managers, even CEOs, who insisted on a 5-day RTO mandate, might be driven by their own convenience  ̶  “I want to turn around an give someone a job directly. I don’t want to find out they’re ‘shirking from home’ and have to call them.”

Then, in today’s New York Times, I came upon an article by Adam Grant, et al, at the Wharton Business School, that quotes research, that demonstrates that:

“ One: Return-to-office mandates don’t increase profits by weeding out people who lack commitment. They motivate the most talented people to jump ship. Two: As long as people are together for half the week, remote work isn’t isolating. And three: Hybrid work isn’t bad for performance, innovation or connection. “

Grant et al go on to describe how adamant RTO mandates are most often pushed by narcissistic managers that require constant attention, as demonstrated by the size of their pay packages, offices, and their photos in the annual reports.

So where does that leave RTO?

It depends. There are clearly some jobs that require presence, just like first responders, and retail workers, if your job has a face to the public, well, you gotta face the public. If your job has more individual than team work, you might have more of an argument for remote or hybrid work.

If you are a manager, who just can’t get over the fact that, “Hey, I got up every day and went into the office. I sucked up to my manager and now its my turn,” then maybe look in a mirror. Get over yourself, and see how you can lead change three days a week or on Zoom without any pants.

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2 Comments

  1. Bob Musial

    Once again, I can relate, Alan.

    Two key takeaways for me:

    Learning how to convey a meaningful, sincere apology.

    Learning to give credit where and when credit is due.

    Reply
    • Alan Culler

      At least you didn’t take away that I’m a terrible person, Bob.
      Two other things I think leaders should say:
      “I don’t know” and
      “But that’s just my opinion, what do you think?”

      Reply

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